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The Wait

“What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have…”-Oprah Winery

Hellooooooo Queens👸🏽 & Kings🤴🏾 and welcome welcome welcome back to my Kingdom! For those of you that have been with me from the very beginning or have at least read my first blog, you may recall that I mentioned that my reason for starting my blog site was a challenge to myself of sorts to be more open & transparent. To step out of my comfort zone. To let others into the secluded areas within me… I feel as though I’ve done that on a miniscule level, pulled back the thin first layer only… Soooo, with that being said, I’ve had this topic on my blog list for a while now. I knew that one day I would write a post about it, but I just didn’t have a planned time as to when. After much deliberation, and the fact that today marks a special day for me, I feel that the perfect time is now!

Full Disclosure: To my parents (all of y’all), because I know that you all read my blogs, the purpose of this blog is for me to walk in my truth, to shed light on this important area of my life, and lastly to help others that may be on the same journey to know that they aren’t walking alone…

Here goes everything…

As I’ve mentioned before, I was born and raised in the church my whole life. I was taught right from wrong and what was expected of me as a child of God. I was taught about sin, I was taught about sex, and I was taught about the correlation of sin and sex in a premarital setting. From a child, it was always my intention to remain abstinent until marriage. My reasons being that I knew it was the Christian thing to do, I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, I was cripplingly afraid of teen pregnancy, and greatest of all, I didn’t want to disappoint God. I did good and stuck to my morals… Until I didn’t…

I relinquished my virginity at the age of 20/21. I say relinquish because it wasn’t taken from me, I didn’t lose it, I know exactly where it went. I gave it away to someone that was undeserving of that part of me. I wasn’t married. I wasn’t in love. I wasn’t even in strong like, and we weren’t in a relationship. So why did I do it?! Why wait that long and then give in?! Simple… Because I took my eye off the prize and lost sight of the goal. I gave in to peer pressure. In the moment, I adapted a mind state of, “well I’ll have to do it at some point, why not now?!”… Stupid right?! Of course it was. That miniscule moment in time immediately became my biggest regret in life. I knew better, I was taught better, I deserved better, I was worth better. It was pointless, it was worthless, and I parted with a piece of me that I could never get back, couldn’t be replaced, and wasn’t valued by the person that received it. Not in the same manner that it would have been valued had I stuck to my moral code and waited.

When I say breaking my vow of abstinence is my biggest regret in life, I’m so serious. The thought of it, the “why’s” and “what ifs” plague me even to this day. I wonder if my life would have traveled along a totally different path if I had continued to live my life for Christ and upheld his law in regards to my body. I wonder if I could have saved myself from all of the unnecessary heartache I’ve endured over the years from failed relationships. I wonder if I would have achieved different milestones by this point in my life if I’d remained pure?! Would I be happily married now to the love of my life?! Would I be traveling the world and making a lifetime of memories with my doting spouse at my side?! Would I be a mom now to these 4 beautiful babies that I desire to have?! The questions are endless. The ponderings are relentless.

Repentance: noun. The action of repenting; sincere regret or remorse. Synonyms: contrition, penitence, shame, guilt, self-reproach.

Forgiveness: noun. The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. Synonyms: pardon, remission.

Two cornerstones of the Christian faith are repentance and forgiveness due to the fact that we are all yet sinners and fall short of the glory of God daily. Repenting is something I’ve had to do multiple times over the years. Not because God required it of me multiple times, but because I felt I needed it. I felt dirty. I felt broken. I felt undeserving. All the while I was repenting and praying to God for his forgiveness, I realized that I’d never forgiven myself. Forgiving me was one of the hardest acts of forgiveness I’ve encountered in my life. I was to blame for my sin, my shortcomings, my shame, my feelings of worthlessness, my heartache. Whyyyy were these feelings so deep rooted within me though?!

Soul Ties: a spiritual and/or emotional connection you have to someone after being intimate with them, usually engaging in sexual intercourse, to the point that when you want to be rid of them from your mind and your life, even when you are far away from them and out of their presence you still feel as if they are a part of you and a part of you is with them, causing you to feel unwhole, as if you’ve given up some of your intangible that cannot be easily possessed again.

God created sex, but He created sex to be conducted within the confines of marriage for this very reason. Whenever you have sex with someone, it’s not simply a transfer of energy between two people, but deeper than that, it’s the coming together (sticking together like glue) of two souls, even if unintentionally.

As quoted by author Tony Evans in his book, “Sacred Sex”..

“sex outside of marriage isn’t wrong simply because two warm bodies come together. Something much more significant is happening. Sex outside of marriage is the ultimate lie because two people are performing the act of marriage without the covenant. No such thing was ever intended in God’s economy.”

Also…

“when there is a merger of two people in sexual intercourse, when they try to tear that relationship apart, they tear themselves, and a part of them is left behind as well”

And…

“The act of sex means that a spiritual relationship has taken place. So when it is an illegitimate spiritual relationship and you back out of it, you back out with spiritual as well as physical and emotional damage.”

Then…

“When you bring two people together through the sexual relationship, Scripture says that you wind up with something brand new… “Now if you decide that you don’t want the new thing you just created, if it was just a momentary passion or a fling, then you break it apart. But in the breaking apart, you tear away a piece of yourself. Obviously, the more times you do this, the more withdrawal you experience and the greater the loss that you feel.”

How does one forgive themselves?! Mine started with first believing in my heart that God had already forgiven me the very first time that I’d asked for his forgiveness. Secondly, the truest act of repentance is changed behavior.

“God’s sexual standard outside of marriage is virginity, an extremely valuable gift from Him that you can give away only once and never get back again. Yes, there is forgiveness for sin, and a person who has fallen sexually can rededicate himself or herself to Christ. But immorality in any form does tremendous damage. We must fight for a return to God’s standard.”– from “Sacred Sex” by Tony Evans

Celibacy- noun. The state of abstaining from any sexual relations. Synonyms: chastity, abstinence, self-restraint.

I chose to go ahead and publish this blog because today, Sunday April 21, 2019 marks the 3 year anniversary of my celibacy! 3 years since I made the conscientious decision to rededicate myself, my heart, mind and body to Christ again.

Why did I choose celibacy?! Simple… Because living on my terms or “living in the gray area” (living for Christ but also living for the world as its suitable to you) wasn’t working for me. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t fulfilled. I felt empty. I wasn’t receiving love in the way that I was searching for it, and ultimately, because I knew better. I was taught that when you know the way of Christ, yet choose to operate otherwise, you’re judged more harshly than those that are ignorant to the ways of Christ, because you know better, therefore you ought to do better. I chose celibacy because God deserves all of me, not just half of me. I chose celibacy because my future husband, whoever he is, deserves the absolute best of me, not just broken fragments of me. I chose celibacy because I deserve it. Because I’m worth the wait! I choose celibacy because the next person I allow to know me that intimately, will have already proved that he’s worth that part of me, because he’ll be my husband and the last person with the privilege to know me.

When I first decided to remain celibate, surprisingly I received a lot of backlash about it initially. People laughed, some thought I was joking. Some said that I would never stick to it, I was crazy for going without sex, some said that, “no man would ever go for that in a relationship”. Correction… MOST men probably wouldn’t go for it, but thanks be to God that I’m not looking for MOST men. I’m waiting on THE MAN!!! The one specifically created, crafted and ordained by God himself just for me! The one that will love, honor and cherish the very depths of me. All of the men that “wouldn’t go for that” just make it easier for me to spot “him” because he will respect that and walk along this journey with me until the day that we are both covered together under God’s covenant in Holy matrimony. Then and only then will I break my vow of celibacy again.

This journey hasn’t been easy, but it has definitely been worth it. Not only did I choose to rededicate myself to Christ, but also to myself. I chose to love, honor and cherish myself first as well. There is no one that loves me more than me, but Christ! Along this journey, I have rediscovered the depths of my self worth. I’M A QUEEN! Point. Blank. Period. I deserve the entire world! Not because I’m self centered, but because I give the entire world in return. My entire life is full of crowns. I have crown rings on each hand, crown earrings and necklaces, a crown keychain and other car accessories, the list goes on. So much so, that I’ve had multiple people say, “you really love crowns huh?!”. YES I DO! Crowns are a daily reminder to me that I am royalty. I am a queen. I am the daughter of the most high King! A reminder to always wear my crown, to adjust it as needed, but never take it off for any reason. The way that I treat and carry myself, commands the way that others treat me as well. I’m not waiting for someone to crown me Queen, I already am that. Also, it is another reason behind why my blog is titled “Kingdom of a Queen”. I already reign on a throne. My life is my Kingdom and I never compromise myself for the comfort of others. A real man wouldn’t be intimated by my crown. Instead, the king in him would recognize the royalty in me and realize that he’s found his match, his Queen!

HAPPY 3 YEARS OF CELIBACY TO ME!!!

👸🏽👑👸🏽👑👸🏽👑👸🏽👑👸🏽👑👸🏽👑👸🏽👑👸🏽👑👸🏽👑

Stay Loyal, Stay Royal!

XOXO

Freddie J.

A WELCOME, HELLO, HEY-GIRL-HEYYYY FROM THE QUEEN!

Hello my loves and welcome back to my Kingdom! If this is your first time visiting my page, WELCOME! I hope you enjoyed yourself and stick around for more! Better yet, JOIN THE KINGDOM! Don’t forget to like this post, like/follow/subscribe to my page for notifications of all future postings! Feel free to leave a comment below! I’d love to hear your feedback, any comments or questions! Most importantly, if you did enjoy my post, SHARE IT WITH YOU FAMILY/FRIENDS! Don’t forget to go back and read any past postings that you may have missed! Thank you all! God Bless!

Quotes of the Week:

“The more she found herself, the less she felt the need to find a man than made her feel like she was worthy. a man’s job is not to give a woman her crown. It’s only their job to respect it.” –Michael Reid @justmikethepoet

“Celibacy allows you to see someone else through God’s eyes”- Emily McKnight @_emilymcknight

Poem of the Week:

Sometimes, you’ll just be too much woman!

Too smart. Too beautiful. Too strong.

Too much of something.

That makes a man feel like less of a man,

What will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The best mistake you can make is removing jewels from your crown to make it easier for a man to carry.

When this happens, I need you to understand,

You don’t need a smaller crown, you need a man with bigger hands!

-Excerpt from Book “Dear Woman” by Michael Reid

Songs of the Week:

Jonathan McReynolds- No Gray

Jonathan McReynolds- Lovin Me

Crystal Aikin- Even Me

11 replies »

  1. Sisterrrr I know this all to well. First off I’m very proud of you for coming out and speaking your truth because it’s not easy. Secondly, I can totally relate to your journey because I too have been sorta on the same journey. Now I lost my virginity freshman year. Thought I was in love, that it was cool because I was a freshman dating a senior. Thought it was something I needed to do cause I was in high school now. And your fear was my reality senior year pregnant. The worst news of my life. I had plans of going into the Air Force then the bomb drops 🙄. Then two years after my daughter was born boom here come your nephew. I don’t regret my kids because one thing for sure they were here and my responsibility and it changed my life. Sacrifice after sacrifice struggle after struggle…. BUT GOD… I started a shift in my life almost three and a half years ago. Every since I’ve started my journey to living a more healthier and peaceful life I have been evaluating every area of my life too and thinking my “what if’s”. If I would have done things different and according to how God desired would things be different. It took the death of someone I was dating almost a year for me to really know my worth. He showed me what a Queen should be treated like and if he was still alive I probably would be married (RIP VON). He showed me true Love, respect and his genuine love for God. But God had other plans. But I have not even come across anyone even worthy of my time let alone giving of my body to. I have ask God for forgiveness so many times mostly for the thought of even waiting to have sex (I’m human and have needs). But anytime I’ve come close to acting on God has blocked it and then I’m praying and asking for forgiveness and thanking God I didn’t go through with it because I for sure do not want or need just any man tied to my soul. I been I guess celibate for 3 years now myself and although I get the urge I have found a way to channel that urge and that through my meditation. It helps me to focus on something other than sex. I’m very proud of myself and how long I have lasted. Honestly, even tho I desire to have a companion and be in love and give of myself to my husband I am partially (😂😂) content if the Lord saw fit for me to be single for the rest of my life. I say that because I’m my heart other than the love of Jesus, I believe I’ve experienced true Love.

    So I’m glad to see that one of the people I love, I admire, I look up to, who is my Bestfriend and my sister on the same journey I am. And people can think what they want and say what they want about it. At the end God is pleased. I will continue to wait on him until my King arrives.

    Awesome blog sis. Keep it up. Love you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congratulations, stay loyal to yourself and your kingdom. It’s worth the wait and reward. I am so very proud of the mindset you have on life and where it will take you. Stay Woke. Love You, Mom

    Liked by 1 person

  3. First of all, let me just say wow. This is a very strong and powerful blog. I love how you use the word relinquishing. Almost everyone says I lost my virginity but I love how you worded this. Also, congratulations on your celibacy anniversary! Continue strong on your journey. One of my favorite blogs this far!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. To my sister, my nurse Fred, my inspiration. As a man, I’m so very inspired by your courage and strength to share your truth with us all. Continue to be the Queen God has created you to be. Continue to live your truth. I’m always proud of your accomplishments, proud of your journeys, proud to be your brother. I love you with all that is in me.
    Big Brother

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just when I thought the trap blog was my favorite you wow me with this one!!!! Friend I just want to inform you that the more that you stay grounded into your faith and the promise that God has given us the more blessings God will pour over your life! Continue to do this not only for you but the many individuals in the world that need to see the power of God!!! We live in a time where right is viewed as wrong and wrong is viewed as right so people need this and God is smiling down on you for this!!! I’m proud of you and I admire you for being true to you but most importantly true to Christ! What an excellent person to have in my circle! Praise God!!! Love you and all that you do!
    Ps: what do momma San know about stay woke 😂😂🤭! I LUH her 😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • Girl when I seen her say “Stay Woke” I fell out girl! I said somebody need to keep my mama off social media! I’m not about to play with her!😂🤣 I love you too Toots! Thank you for you continued support in every step of my journey! Even my moments of forward reflection to the day when it’s all over!🌾👀🌾

      Like

    • Thank you again love! I’m so blessed that others are able to witness my message in my writings through my truth. It was what ultimately pushed me to share my story. Thank you for taking the time to read it AND comment! I truly appreciate it!🤗😘

      Like

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